torn asunder

Irony

2010-03-18T14:10:00.000+08:00

Explain irony...

A homewrecker named Grace.

It has been months and they’re still in constant contact. Though he barely leaves the house to meet her, yet the discovery of their communication still bothers me a great deal.

I heard from a reliable source that ‘Grace’ wanted to leave the country and work somewhere in Asia. I’m pretty sure that by ‘work’ meant exporting herself to wreck someone else’s lives.

I’ve seen her do that. I am not her first victim. She also connived with a neighbor’s husband long before my husband. She’s also been going out with other men while being my husband’s lover.

I’ve told him several times, both subtle and point-blank the ugly truth that his lover is quite ‘itchy’ down there and is fond of having a string of relationship with married men. Sick, I know. Thing is, the men that revolved around her plainly toyed with her – except maybe my husband – whom she most probably played around with.

I once told him that Grace was seen with another man in motel in Binan. The snitch was a doorman in the motel where Grace went in with the man. The doorman said Grace even smiled and nodded at the doorman since they know each other. The doorman intentionally waited for the couple to check out and was anticipating to see my husband with her. He probably wanted to see his reaction. However, the man she was with that day was not my husband and was described as someone younger than him with stubble beard.

It was apparent that the world was aware of the affair – except for my husband who appears to be still in denial. I think he didn’t believe me and my little story as he always did when it comes to Grace.

He once hit me simply because Grace told him a whole different story from what actually happened between me and her sister. It was her sister who divulged of their affair when I simply asked her if she’s aware that Grace has been texting my husband. Grace’s version of the story was that it was I who told her family of their affair and that I even talked to her father who happens to be my husband’s close friend. Close friend for crying out loud!

I still can’t find it in my heart to forgive him fully for this trespass. It is probably one of the most harrowing events in my life that I can never forget. I can still feel the hurt just thinking about it.

I can’t help but think…when will this really end?

I can feel that I am already near the end of my rope.

conditional

2010-02-11T17:43:00.000+08:00

I believe I am living with conditional love. I wish I can tell you that I love my husband ‘unconditionally’ in all honesty and with flying colors. But saying that is like giving you bull and to even make myself believe that requires an effort from my part.

This explains the roller-coaster like relationship I share with him. Some days I love him to death, some days I secretly wish he’s dead. And though I resent having the latter thought, I cannot find it in my heart to regret it fully for even entertaining it.

It is not that I don’t love him anymore. I still wanted so much for the marriage to work not because for the sake of the children but because I want him still to be a part of my life. I wanted him there and I wanted him here. But wanting and loving are two different things, ergo, I am here sharing a conditional love.
I still try to focus in the joys of doing things for him. There is still joy there but it is no longer absolute. I cannot bring myself to tell you that I don’t see it at sacrifices at times…they’re more like what…investments? Investments on the road to a happy (if not happier) relationship?

Fortunately, I still hasn’t reached the point where I use the ‘conditional’ love as a way to control him. I was never the controlling type. And much as I want to, I know I cannot sustain such attitude.

I’ve already heard that at some point, even the most enduring marriage has gone through the rocky phase at one point in their relationship and that they were able to overcome their struggles by sacrifice and effort. That they were able to look back on these unfortunate events causing them to almost give up but are now grateful that they did not let it happen.

Well, I want to be one of those lucky couple…what I don’t just see now is how?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.....It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13: 3, 5, and 7

Suspicions

2010-01-18T14:47:00.000+08:00

He suspects that I am having an affair - a common phenomenon to people who has done or doing the betraying against their spouse or partner.

I am not having one…though thoughts of having one seems very much appealing to me these days.

He begins to doubt my fidelity from one missent (read: deliberate) text message followed by my-lately-happy-disposition. I’ve been singing around the house again, kidding my children, coming in late and I’ve been out a lot.

I often chance upon him reading the text messages on my cellphone during the wee hours of the morning and keeping his eyes and ears open whenever that gadget beeps. I have no qualms however. I’ve got nothing to hide…nothing to be afraid of.

Truth is, I’ve been seeing old friends, male and female alike. It could be that I need the connection, the comfort while in the company of friends, and the realization that it is not only me who is going through the same ordeal.

Last weekend, I went out to meet my highschool classmates to dinner. A little catching up and then comes the sob stories, mainly of philandering spouses who just can’t manage to keep their hands off other women’s asses.

One friend confided that she did all that she could to keep her husband but to no avail. She even forgave and took care of her husband’s lovechild from a prostitute just so he won’t leave her.

Another one shared that after giving birth to three children during their 5 year marriage did she caught her husband dating his officemate. As if the cheating was not enough, the mistress even had the guts to call her every once in a while just to remind her of their affair.

I didn’t tell share much of my experience but I told them that I’ve been on the same boat before and was able to tell them how I managed (managing) to keep my sanity and my family in tact.

A few drinks more, pleasant conversation, singing, and yes, mild flirtation, the party ended.

Earlier during the party, I told my husband I already have a ride home and that he need not bother to fetch me as he used to. I didn’t tell him where the party was nor did I invite him the way I often do. He insisted to me pick me up and that I just need to tell him where. I was smiling inside.

He was already there waiting when our car (my ride with a male classmate) arrived. He didn’t like the fact that I alighted the car alone with Albert. He can not even manage to crack a smile and just nod his acknowledgement to my classmate.

On our way home, he bombarded me with questions as where the party was, what’s it for, who was Albert among other things.

And as we retire for the evening during the early hours of the morning, he forced himself on the far side of our bed to sleep away his irritation.

I didn’t mind. I slept soundly that day.

Ordinary People

2010-01-13T15:45:00.002+08:00

This song pretty much describes the kind of rut we are right now. I honestly feel that he too feels the same.

ORDINARY PEOPLE
by John Legend

Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

[Bridge]

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 2]

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way

[Bridge]

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 3]

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

the wall

2010-01-13T15:31:00.001+08:00

There’s a wall now and it is mainly of my own doing.

I cannot help but protect myself from the pain he kept on dishing out on me. He’s been seeing his mistress and I have resigned to the fact that I cannot do anything anymore to keep him from her.

It is of his own doing…his own prerogative.

And by accepting the fate of this marriage, I was able to shield myself. I must indeed be loving myself more.

We’ve been sleeping on the same bed but are miles apart from each other. And though I’ve been losing sleep, I am less affected by his misdeeds. I can still feel the tiny jabs by merely looking at him, but the pain though, is less destructive, less offensive.

I know that he feels the strain and does not like it. I too hated this situation but I cannot lie to myself anymore. I don’t have the energy to put off a happy veneer just to assure him that we are doing fine and that I am okay.

I am not okay…but not as miserable.

Nowadays, I am findings ways to lighten my burden. I still don’t want us to part ways. I guess, I still care for him that much. The difference now, I think, is I am also loving myself.

How will this state end? It probably depends on him solely.

But the other question is, should he mend his ways…will I ever find myself back to him the way I was before?

For his sake, I pray that I do.

limbo?

2010-01-07T18:04:00.000+08:00

It was a mistake.

I was wrong to trust him fully. But somehow the word trust between us has not been an easy pill to swallow. I cannot bring myself to trust him fully and I was right not to.

Apparently, I was barking at the wrong tree, well, at least as of late.

But somehow, it is no longer heart-wrenching as the experience before. I wonder what brought about the change. I can say that I still love my husband – but I guess the gravity has changed… a lot since then.

Or maybe because I chose to look at my situation the other way around that makes this phase in our relationship a little more ‘acceptable’?

Acceptable is not a good word, I know. But I am still in this marriage that I am unsure of leaving. Am I getting used to this?

It still pains me to know that he’s been seeing his bitches, but surprisingly, I am no longer in terrible pain as I was before. It is not painless, but getting worked up with his womanizing is, for me, more worthless.

Is he now worthless…for me?

I don’t want to believe that he is but I, too, am amazed of my change of heart.

I knew that something in me changed but I didn’t realize that it would be of this much.

Do I hate him? Do I hate him now this much?

I don’t think so…I can still look at him. I still let him kiss me and feel his skin rubbing against me.

Am I just using him?

Am I using him to give our children the sense of comfort that they have both of their parents living under the same roof? That their parents are there anytime they need one or both of us at any given time? Is it for the contentment of telling people that ‘yes, we are still together’ while others are not? Is it the ease of having to know that your spouse would be home beside you tonight? Is it for the comfort of having a warm body beside you at nights that you can easily turn your back at right after the heat?

Either I am being complacent or I am getting as sick as he is.

a new leaf

2010-01-05T15:27:00.000+08:00

I am donning a new attitude and is anxious in trying out.

More than just a new do, the change is a bi-product of the tumultuous and recent months I had and the realization that I still have my life to lead.

The change is not entirely motivated by retaliation for the wrong nor the juicy idea of getting even. I guess, I am past that stage now.

It is more of doing myself a favor and it is more than just a respite and a vacation for the will. I have not been completely healed and I don’t see myself that I or we would ever be.

The whole experience brought a big change on how I view my life as a wife and as a person.

I am more selfish now…far from my old self-less self. I am a bit recklessness now, careless – and it feels good to be more alive, again.

I have spent years putting others before me - their feelings, their expectations and their well-being. It is only now that I felt the fatigue. Not that I regret having to sacrifice many things just so others may at least be satisfied…but I cannot help but think that what have I got for it?

And so here’s to a new me. It may not be a better version of myself, but at least I am liking it.

deluge

2009-10-09T17:36:00.002+08:00

Oct. 7 PM

Someone else triggered my anger but it was enough to open the floodgates.

I went berserk and somehow it made me feel good.

My anger stemmed from the same issue…the subject of trust and betrayal. One coming from a dear friend, and the other of my husband’s. True enough, when it rains, it pours and it has been pouring hard on me for quite sometime now.

Had my friend listened to my pleas of not speaking that evening, things could have had a different outcome. The outburst could have been avoided. But her unwise persistence prevailed and I gave her what she wanted that night.

My mother had to drag me home. She never saw me like that before. I never was the quarrelsome type, in fact, I am slow to anger and often choose to ignore slights to conserve my energy and use my time on something else.

I am more known in patching up the seeping cracks rather than seeing them.

But I guess I am changing.

I may be letting my frustrations and woes to eat me up; engulfing what is good in me. But somehow, I do not see it wrong, at least, not anymore.

So I must really be changing.

I was already in tears when I got home. And for the first time in my life I let myself go and be crazy. I took up a chair and smashed it against the bedroom wall. I also grabbed and broke several articles which now, I cannot recall.

I can faintly hear my children crying, surprised by my actions. I can hear my mother, telling me to stop. Then I heard him and felt him embrace me. He must’ve thought that would be enough.

And as I move to face him, I already felt the dam finally giving way.

In between wails and cuss, my fists came hammering.

And in a frenzied state of mind, I told him everything that I wanted to say. The words come unadulterated, unrestrained.

He just listened. Swallowing every bit of what I am dishing out. My mother let me be. She knew I needed this.

The aftermath left me with a clearer mind. Drained, but with a clearer mind.

It could be that I am letting him go.

stifle

2009-10-07T15:05:00.004+08:00

Oct. 5 pm and 6 am

I came home as usual. I was tired and a bit cold.

From afar, I saw him mingling with our neighbors and cellphone at hand – he was texting.

The minute he recognized my form from the dimly street where I emerged, he concealed his phone by his legs but the light of the tiny gadget's screen didn’t allowed him.

Immediately, I felt the familiar ‘thud’ in my chest.

I passed them by, offered a small smile.

My day started off all wrong that morning and friends at work were not able to sustain the cheery mood. And so by nightfall, I was tired and sullen and then that!

The minute I put down my bag, I went to our veranda to smoke. We have a vantage point of each other from where he was seated and where I stood.

He was looking at me and I him. It occurred to me that he was still in the midst of exchanging messages and that my seeing him causes him distress. I can also see that he is getting anxious.

He then stood up next to a wall, his back at me.

By instinct, maybe, I immediately went down the house and pretended that I was headed to my mother’s. I did that because I wanted him to know that I know.

It was too late when he noticed me. He was intensely texting that I had to tell him that ‘you are too obvious,’ as I pass him by.

He tried following me to where I was headed but he knew the damage has been done.

It was already 11pm when he went up the house. He had to pass time outside because he was avoiding me. I was in no condition to argue, anyway. The way he acted simply told me that they’re still communicating…and the engaging moments between us of the past two weeks quickly diminished.

As I lay in bed that evening, I was weeping once again…but surprisingly, I was not as broken as I was weeks before. When he tried to cradle me, both us were surprised that I was already running a fever.

He bought me the medicine that I was obliged to take.

He tried asking what was wrong but even he was not convinced of his act. I just said nothing and later told him that I just want to sleep. He let me be.

I was awakened by the barking of the dogs downstairs. Lately, my sleeping has been very light that a slight stirring or nigh time sounds can easily wake me. It was just 3am. He was heavily sleeping and his embrace felt more like stifle. He stirred as I free myself from his arms and legs.

I went to the veranda and lighted a cigarette. After a few puffs, I heard him call me to go back to bed.

I did, but sleep was elusive and his embrace did felt heavy. I stood up again and decided to make coffee and prepare breakfast. Anyway, it was already 4 o’clock.

He stirred again and asked me several times to go back to bed. He wants me to lay down with him, I know. This time, I said nothing.

His final call was more commanding, an intonation of his irritation. I answered back and stressed that much as I want to, I am no longer sleepy and that I don’t want to return to bed.

He then turned his back at me and went back to sleep, though this time, he exerted effort.

Later in the morning, he woke up an hour late and we had our breakfast separately.

Still, I made him coffee.

And as I leave for work, we were almost not talking and had to pat his back as I bid my goodbyes without looking at him.

Something tells me that the evening would be colder than last night’s.

zambo

2009-10-05T15:37:00.001+08:00

Oct 4, 2009 PM

He left for Zamboanga around 2am this morning. There was a day-long event and that work dictated that he should be there.

I saw him down our gates and bid him farewell. We kissed our goodbyes with the instruction that he text me before boarding the plane.

He didn’t.

It was already 7am when I woke up and immediately texted him to ask of his arrival to the island. He answered abruptly, informing that he did and explained that he didn’t text me earlier as he assumed that I already went back to sleep.

I told him I waited for his text and briefly told him that I’ve dreamt about him.

I let him be the rest of the afternoon. I know he was busy and that I shouldn’t bother him with my trivialities.

By noontime, he called. He sounded tired. I was sure he had a long day at work.

He arrived around 9pm. Just right.

It was customary for our children to ask for treats, especially if he’s been out-of-town. He handed our eldest daughter a bag of peanuts which she calls ‘happy’, a brand name for peanuts you can buy very cheaply in the store. He also handed our youngest a pack of small cookies – both snacks offered from the plane.

He was carefully fishing out these goodies from his bag and, like instinct, I knew he was hiding something.

Once the kids were tucked in their beds and we are alone in the sofa, he reached over on his bag and gave me my treat.

It was chocolates. And his gesture felt good.

Small talks, a cup of coffee that we’ve always shared, and a little TV…he then drifted off to sleep.

doubt

2009-10-05T12:21:00.002+08:00

Oct 3, 2009 PM

We had a hearty breakfast. So far, days has been easy on me, until I saw him texting somebody and it got me thinking that it must be her…again.

It left a sour note and placed me in a bad mood extending till the rest of the afternoon. I was short-fused, grumpy and a bit sarcastic. I was aware of myself but did try to uplift my dampen spirit but to no avail.

Late in the afternoon, he approached me and planted a kiss on my forehead. The gesture melted a part of me. It must be the lift that I needed. He then asked me what’s the matter and seconded that he noticed that I was not on my usual happy disposition.

I told him that I have an upset stomach since early this morning...and that is not entirely a lie. Since I've found out about his affair, and his feelings for that woman, I have been having anxiety attacks and it is manifesting on me physically.

Nonetheless, he heaved a sigh of relief and told me that he thought I am suspecting again…that he was wondering if he did something to trigger my doubts about him. I told him, it was nothing.

Later, I jokingly asked him what we should do about it. I hate this feeling of suspecting and doubting his motives. I hate entertaining the thought that I may not be able trust him anymore. God knows, I want to give him all - as if I haven't yet.

I wanted so much to trust him. The way I did years ago...those were the caring years - where times are easier for me, for us.

I wish I can tell myself that all is fine now…that the storm has passed and that we are now in the process of rebuilding what has been lost.

I really wish that.

redemption

2009-10-01T18:46:00.002+08:00

26 September 2009

I saw her.

She couldn’t meet my gaze as me and a friend paraded in front of her.

She’s in her early 20s. She was a bit fleshy, fair-complexioned and used a plastic bag to bond her long straight hair. She was wearing heavy make-up…and was probably hoping to see my husband that day. It is also probable that they had plans.

My friend was highly agitated and said she wanted to bash the head of his mistress. She has always been feisty, this dear friend of mine.

But today, I found vindication. I got my redeeming factor. All that she is was that is she young...for now.

And that thought calmed me.

It must be the realization that I am comforted with the thought that I am better than her and that I can offer and achieve more. Most importantly and unlike her, I know I am my husband’s greatest allay.

But if the inimitable shall come to pass, I know now that I can survive this.

That should our marriage end because of her or that he has chosen her over me and our children – then it may not be as painful as I thought it would be for me after all.

birthday

2009-09-28T14:39:00.000+08:00

25 September

Today was his birthday.

I planned on buying him something for his birthday. I already had a gift in mind two weeks before his celebration. He was expecting his money gift from his sister who has been doing it for as long as I can remember.

Apparently, the money would be coming in late so I volunteered mine. He accepted with the promise of repaying me back. I declined. I told him that he need not to do it, it was intentionally for him in the first place.

I could have given him so much had I have the capacity. I’ve always wanted him to be happy more than anything else.

He celebrated his birthday in the company of his set of friends and made myself scarce so he can focus more on his celebration. In the evening, I volunteered to do his job and send him feedbacks that he can, in turn, feed to his superiors.

I think he appreciated my efforts.

The rain came pouring in that evening…and so was the booze. And as expected, he was dead drunk in the aftermath and had to assist him home.

The bed was already prepared for him.

I can tell that he is not entirely happy. He had other problems plaguing him at this time – including ours.

And in his drunken stupor, he told me that he loves me and that he would not leave me.

He held me close until he falls asleep.

respite

2009-09-28T12:13:00.001+08:00

The morning starts with the voice of our son telling me that he is now off to school. It was followed by the glimpse of our daughter preparing herself to follow suit.

I slowly eased myself from his light embrace. I took a glimpse of his face. He was still asleep.

God, I so love this man. The man who drove his mistress home and the one I made love with the night before.

I prepared breakfast and eventually went to work.

My thoughts were preoccupied by him, our struggle, and his other love.

I wish to God that all of these would end.

At work, I was able to put on my happy disposition willing for others not to see the clouds of sadness and ache that looms about me.

I needed help…a sound advice from someone who barely knew me, my husband and the kind of marriage we have…long before this.

I was told not to confront him. Not to ask question. Just listen. I was also told to be extremely patient, but be prepared for the worst. I was reminded that the other woman has a hold on my husband…what is it, I do not know yet.

I went to church after the counsel. Although the talk made me feel better, I also felt the need to calm my troubled soul. It was a rainy evening. Traffic forced me to walk all the way to the church. The road was dimly lit, the air dank, and the earth sopping with mud. But I was oblivious of it all – even of the dangers.

But when I left the church, I am taking home hope with me.

Then he texted, asking me where I am. I told him that I was on my home and that traffic was bad. I contemplated on telling him that I went to church – then decided against it. I don’t know why I did.

He then told me he’d go to pick me up from the bus station. He said it was raining.

I cracked something that resembled a smile and texted him, yes.

He was inside the car, wearing his dark jacket behind the wheel. Still, the sight of him makes me cry.

As we lay in bed, he reached out for me as we while our time over trivial talks and television. He was a bit inquisitive.

I later asked for a brief kiss before going to sleep.

I slept lightly but is glad that during the brief moments between sleep and awake, he was cradling me…I hope it is not because of the cold.

drive

2009-09-28T11:36:00.001+08:00

22 September 2009

The car was still warm to touch… proof that he has drove her home last night.

I can picture her perched on my seat, feeling satisfied and happy, no doubt, while I have to walk the long distance home.

She knew she had a hold at my husband. She must be relishing every moment of it.

Much to my desire to repress it, tears immediately gave way the minute I saw him.

How could he? How could he?

I told myself that I am giving him time to end whatever it is that they have, but I also wonder how long I can accept my situation knowing that I am now the second fiddle.

I want to believe that there is guilt in his eyes. He knows that I knew.

Later while we lay in bed, he reached out for me for console…asked what the tears were for just to make it official, maybe.

We made love.

Tomorrow is another battle.

promise fulfilled

2009-09-28T11:32:00.001+08:00

21 September 2009, Evening

He has fulfilled his promise today.

He will be delivering his present. I don’t know if it’s a ring, a necklace or both. But I know that he had bought it…for her.

It pains me to realize that he had walked that long just to fulfill her his ‘promise’. It was a hot afternoon, a weather he strongly detested. He hated long walks…at least that is what I know.

It also hurts to realize that he had to guise the whole act of his purchase by providing me favor. Must he use me as an excuse? For my sake, I wish I am wrong.

Tonight, I ache for the effort. It must be love.

necklace

2009-09-28T11:22:00.000+08:00

20 September 2009, Evening

I am looking at a necklace that shouldn’t be mine.

It was a promised gift for his girlfriend that I was able to find out recently. I cannot begin to describe the pain that I’ve felt while I was reading his text messages to her as he was asking her if she preferred a necklace or a ring.

His birthday was barely days away and that his mistress must have told him that she have nothing to give him. He told her he doesn't mind...instead, it would be him who will present her a gift. My hands were trembling, I know, and my eyes blurry with hurt emotions.

He promised me the same thing after we've reconciled a few months back. I already knew that he was keeping another relationship...i just didn't know that theirs still exists to this day.

And so today, he bought me this necklace. It has three hearts on it. My reading that it was ours - all three of us.

And I am still hurting.

The mere memory of that fateful evening reduces me into tears. It is apparently new and I pray for recovery soon.

But this is more than neither the material things that he is giving her…nor the repeated betrayal of the trust he so fervently ask of me to give. It is more of the pains of having to share his love with another - when it should be all mine to claim, no questions asked.

I know that he is not being truly honest…much to his stake that he is. I had to grit my teeth as I calm the anger that is slowly creeping. And yet, my rage is unacceptable at this point. He said he needed my patience…my help to overcome our struggle. He said this is our struggle…that I have an enemy, a competitor…and so does he.

I wanted so much to believe him…but I can only give him half as much. I wanted so much to feel that I am not alone in this battle. That he is at my side no matter what. I wanted so much to convince myself that I can win this…that my patience and love for him will suffice – not for the sake of my children, but of my own happiness as well.

I know that he is my happiness, no questions asked.

pam

2009-09-28T11:20:00.000+08:00

O2 March 2009, Afternoon.

He was out of the house when his cellphone beeped, informing that a text message has been received. Being extremely suspicious at these times, I took the courage to check who the message was from and what it has to say.

It says there that the message came from Pam and she was threatening my husband of barging into our home, apparently to make a scene. She was enraged because my husband had already stopped seeing her. He was also not returning her calls. It was short of saying that he has already lost his interest and that he was pulling off.

But she was not letting him go that easy…proof that she doesn’t know my husband that well.

She claims she was two months pregnant and that my husband was the father.

In shock and in sheer anger, I knew I was screaming.

I told myself that if I truly want to know WTF is going on and how genuine was her news; I really had to stay calm.

And calm I did. And with shaky fingers, I called her up.

Either I was very convincing or she was bent on enraging me more that she soon confided about their relationship. Pam said they’ve met through text messaging. It seems that my husband met someone who was thoughtless enough to pair them together. Pam claimed that when they met for the first time in the afternoon of December 24, they immediately had sex.

My husband met us that evening – me and my three children –we all went out and celebrated Christmas Eve by having dinner al fresco.

Pam furthered that they’ve met two more times in the next two months before my husband stopped communicating with her. Pam confessed that my husband has been sending her money, though minimal. And now she was asking him more – ostensibly to get an abortion.

From the way that the conversation went, I believe she was lying. I am convinced that she was just after his money. She must’ve thought that he can milk him some more, at least for the last time, before she finally let him bid adieu.

Needless to say, I forgave him after all the brouhaha but I know trusting him will not come in easy.

a feeling

2009-09-28T11:14:00.000+08:00

November 2008

I am having a feeling…a feeling that my husband of 13 years is having an affair…again.

While the experience is not new to me, I know that I can never get accustomed to the pain.

The first of his affair happened about eight years ago. I knew the other woman. In fact, she was family.

I’ve made a command decision to separate from him. We already have three children at the time – our youngest, barely a year old.
While we were apart, my work was able to keep me busy. I go to work everyday and come home to care for my children. The only time I would feel the emptiness in my life then was the bus ride home.

The long road never spared me in realizing that I am without him. Have you ever known the meaning of being lonely but not entirely alone? I did and that it was.

But at the time, I was more prepared to live the rest of my life without him. I thought that my work and my children are enough to keep me, well, somewhat complete.

What made me come back? Primarily, my children.

He gets to see and take them with him during weekends. And probably to make up for lost time, our children would receive the kind of pampering that only he can give.

My husband can be extra-ordinarily generous, you see. One of his distinct qualities I, too, enjoyed for sometime.

Once home, I could tell that they are excitedly anticipating his next arrival. The children are too young to understand what is going on between us. I don’t discuss the matter with them and neither him, I suppose. I assumed that they were just probably wondering why they don’t see their father everyday and would bombard me with questions of his next visit.

Their eagerness adds more to my anguish.

…and then, there is me. Much as I want to deny it, I love this man and I thought that the five months that we’ve been apart has already hit home.

I must admit though, that something went missing in terms of how I feel about my husband - this was probably due to the hurt. But the greater part of it wants him back so bad.

And so we did.

But the peace I was after didn’t follow immediately. He still have unfinished businesses with not only one woman but to two others more. And it took us months after I was sure that I was once again alone in his arms.

And now, almost a decade after, I am back again to the oh-so-familiar territory that is far from being pleasant.

I hate this feeling.